FullMetal Alchemist Watches Jeff Dunham
by Alphonse Elric's Lover
Summary: When vampire princess Crystal Draculura Bloodsucker gets everybody tickets to see Jeff Dunham, they all have the time of their lives. Rated T because Ed is Ed, and Jeff is Jeff
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: The Tickets

It was a normal day in Amestirs. The State Alchemists, the Commanders, and the Elric brothers along with their friend, Winry Rockbell, were in the caffeteria on their lunch break, talking about how their day's been going.

"Crystal's been gone for quite awhile, do you think she's ok?" Winry asked.

"I'm sure she's fine, she can take care of herself." the older Elric brother, Edward Elric, protested.

"Brother's right Winry." the younger Elric brother, Alphonse Elric, added. "If there's one thing I know that Crystal's good at, it's taking care of herself, I mean she's been doing it for like 14,985 years when her mortal family adopted her, and then abandoned her when they realized she wasn't aging like normal kids."

"Right, and now she's 14,993 years old." Winry smiled.

Suddenly, there was a fast blurr as Al's immortal lover, Crystal Draculura Bloodsucker, came running through the caffeteria and stopping infront of the three.

"Hey guys." Crystal smiled at them.

"Hey Crystal." They greeted her.

Alphonse got up and went over to Crystal. Not caring that he didn't have a mouth, Alphonse bent down and gave his lover a kiss. Crystal kissed back.

"What have you been up to?" Al asked when they finally broke apart, ignoring all the whoots and whistles coming from everybody in the caffeteria.

"Guys, you'll never believe what I just got."

Crystal reached into her purse and pulled out a few small sheets of paper. She gave them each one for them to look over. Winry and the brothers were confused as they stared at these sheets.

"What are they?" Ed asked.

"They're tickets to the best stand-up comedian in the world, Jeff Dunham!" Crystal explained with excitement. "I got enough for all of us. Even some of the Commanders and ArmStrong Alchemist."

The FullMetal Alchemist characters were confused. Crystal noticed this and frowned.

"Now don't tell me you've never heard of Jeff Dunham, guys."

Sweat drops rolled down their faces as they nervously smiled.

"Actually, honey, none of us have heard of this Jeff Dunham guy." Al answered nervously.

Crystal's jaw dropped at these news, but then she smiled.

"That's alright. I sorta didn't even expect you to know this guy. He IS American after all." Crystal said understandingly.

"Cool, so a stand-up comedian from America is coming to Amestirs?" Ed asked with interest.

"Yeah," Crystal nodded. "He's very famous, almost as famous as you. But hey, any good ventrilliquist comedian that has his own T.V. Show and movies would be famous."

Edward cringed at the word "ventrilliquist".

"He's a damn ventrilliquist?" He asked with less interest.

"He's a very good ventrilliquist, and very funny too." Crystal frowned.

"I ain't going to see no dumb ventrilliquist!" Ed shoved his ticket back to Crystal.

Crystal got angry at Edward's behavior. She grabbed his shirt and used her vampire strength to lift him off his feet as her voice changed that to the Underworld.

"Now listen here Edward! I'm tired of your behavior over stupid shit. You overreact when people call you small, and you make a big fuss over people trying to get you to drink milk. And now you're acting childish about a ventrilliquist comedian?!" Crystal growled.

Edward gulped when he saw the anger in the vampire princess' eyes and voice. The whole caffeteria has went quiet and were watching the scene.

"Well, I don't care what you say Edward. You're going to the show tomorrow, whether you like it or not!"

Ed shrunk into his shoulderblades as Crystal set him down and her voice changed back to normal. Edward's Commander, Roy Mustang, cleared his throat.

"Well, this is awkward." He commented.

Crystal shot him a stare with peircing black eyes, making Roy to go pale and hold up his hands in defense.

"Roy, you're coming too." Crystal told him. "I got tickets for me, you, Alphonse, Edward, Winry, Riza, Hughes, and even ArmStrong."

"What exactly is it that we're going to see?" Riza asked.

"It's an American stand-up ventrilliquist comedian named Jeff Dunham." Al explained.

"What?!" the Commanders and Armstrong cried.

The fire burnned in Crystal's eyes again and they immediatley changed their minds as they smiled nervously.

"Alright, I'll go." Roy agreed.

"I'll go, because I want to see how American comedians act." Riza added.

"I could always use a good laugh." ArmStrong nodded.

"I hear this guy has his own T.V. Show and movies, so he's got to be pretty famous." Hughes pondered. "I'll go."

Crystal squealled with joy and clapped her hands.

"Hurray! Tomorrow is going to be the best day ever! Trust me, you won't regret the day I got you all tickets."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: The First Act

The next day, they were all at the theater, sitting in the front row, waiting for the show to start. Crystal smiled at her friends.

"Trust me, you'll love this." She told them.

"I believe you my sweet." Alphonse wrapped an arm around his vampire lover.

Suddenly, the lights dimmed as music started to play and a voice came from the loudspeaker.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jeff Dunham!" the voice announced.

Everybody clapped and cheered as Jeff Dunham came running out onto the stage. Jeff bowed to the audience and thanked them all.

"You are asuming way too much ladies and gentlemen." He commented. Most of the audience laughed.

"But thanks for coming out tonight, I'm happy to be in a forgein country," Jeff continued. "I'm happy to be in Amestirs, my mother in-law had a dance studio, she had this dance studio for 30 years. She owned it, she ran it, a few months ago she was 4 days away from closing the sale of the dance studio, she was gonna take the money and retire and be independent for about the rest of her life."

Crystal's friends were confused of this story from Jeff and they looked at her for a clue.

"Just watch." She told them.

"Then the hurricanes came, guess where my mother in-law's dance studio was?" Jeff told the audience. "West Palm Beach Florida. Guess who's living with me and my family now in Los Angelos? I'll say it again, I'm happy to be in Amestirs."

The audience laughed and cheered for him. Crystal even saw a slight grin on Edward's face. She smiled and turnned back to Jeff.

"Well, you should see my warehouse, it's me, my wife, my 3 little girls, 3 female dogs, 2 female rats, 1 female fish, now my mother in-law and as a bonus my sister in-law!" Jeff explained. "I'm growing a unuras as we speak."

The whole audience laughed. Crystal, the Commanders, ArmStrong and Winry laughed when they saw Ed and Al very shocked.

"Wow, that's a lot of girls." Ed mumbled.

"He can't be the only guy in the family!" Al protested.

"The only other male in the household is my golden retreiver, Bill, and they had him nuetered." Jeff explained.

The audience laughed while Al just shrugged his shoulders.

"At least he's still a male." He shrugged. Jeff continued his story.

"Oh it's very sad, I came home after being gone for about five days, I walk through the front door, Bill's lying on the couch and looks at me like 'Dude!'."

The audience laughed, and this time, Crystal's friends added a few giggles.

" 'You're never gonna believe what they did to me! RUN!' " Jeff finished the joke. "Well my daughters now are 8, 10, and God forbidden 14 years of age. Thanks for you sympathy. My wife and I recognized that we are living on verge of Hell. Because what I understand is we've been living in the same house and apparently God has a sense of humor."

Now realizing that Jeff Dunham kinda is funny, Crystal's friends are eager to hear more. Crystal stiffles a laugh at this.

"Because eventually their biological time clocks, sigrinize." Jeff continues. "So I know when my daughters get to be that age I'll be sitting on the phone by aging every 3 and a half weeks I'll be like 'You gotta get me the hell outta here!'."

"Boy is it going to be the same thing with me and Elicia?" Hughes laughed.

"Probably." Crystal laughed with him.

"My office door will be locked and all I hear is 'SSSCCCRRRRIIIITCH, daddy.'." Jeff made the audience laugh. "Bill will be sitting next to me like 'DON'T OPEN THE DOOR!'."

Crystal and her friends laughed at this. The FullMetal Alchemist characters turnned to Crystal and smiled.

"So far, this guy is great." Edward admitted.

"And this is just his opening act, wait 'till he gets to the puppets!" Crystal told them.

"Well I know that some of you know what's going on this evening," Jeff continued. "I got little people in boxes. And I gotta tell you that the security at the airports now-adays will be checking in a small person in your lugguage. They stop ya'."

"Well duh! It's a little person." Riza laughed as Jeff continued with his story.

"Most airports now-adays have a symphisticated equipment for checking your lugguage, they're like big MRIs, they can check the contents, materials but some of the smaller airports don't, they don't have some of this symphisticated stuff, they still have to hand check your lugguage." Jeff sighed and continued. "I was in line about 3 and a half weeks ago early one morning, very crowded."

"I bet it was crowded." Roy smiled.

"Most people when you get your lugguage hand checked it's no big deal." Jeff continued. "They could pull out your underwear and be like 'uuhh'. But for me they're pulling out dolls."

The audience laughed. Crystal and her friends laughed when they saw Winry's face turnning red from holding in laughter.

"And I figured out the way they decide whose lugguage they're gonna hand check is a complete jugdement called these guys parts." Jeff explained. "They look at you and they decide, apparently I look like a terorist with a trunk. And they're like 'Sir we need to take a look in that trunk.' and I'm like 'oh crap here we go."

The whole audience laughed at this. The laughter that Winry was holding in came pouring out.

"Wow, this must happen to him a lot." She wiped a tear from her eye as Jeff continued.

"So he takes the big trunk and he sets it on the table, he opens it up and the first thing he pulls out is one of my little guys, Peanut, you'll see him here in a little bit."

The audience clapped and cheered for Peanut. Crystal turns to her friends.

"Peanut is the best guy there is on the show." She explained. "He's my favorite puppet."

"But he pulls Peanut out and he goes like 'hey,' and the people in line go like 'hey!' and I'm like 'uuggh!'." Jeff continues. "Now they have these swabs, and they swab whatever it is they're looking at and they put it in the analyzer and it scans it to see if the material is to come in contact with anything dangerous. So the guy has Peanut in one hand and swab in the other, this is all completley true, it's too stupid to make up." The audience laughed. "He could've swabbed Peanut on the head, the foot, no, instead he swabbs Peanut's butt just like that."

The FullMetal Alchemist characters bursted out laughing at this. Alphonse had his hand on his forehead as he laughed. Edward was holding his stomach. Winry was laughing behind her hand. Roy managed a slight giggle before going hysterical. Riza cried as she laughed. Hughes pounded on his seat and ArmStrong laughed like Santa Claus. Crystal could tell that they were having a good time.

"I know it's only a puppet, but I work with the guy." Jeff laughed. "There's relationship here! And I'm sitting there watching this and the first thing that comes to my mind is 'you sick bastard, what the Hell! Why you wiping my friends butt?'." The audience laughed. "He then takes the swab and puts it in the machine, shuts the door, I think we're finished. We start putting things away when all of a sudden the machine goes 'EH! EH! EH!'. 3 more guys come out, they have me against the wall, they're checking my I.D., they're going through all my stuff. Now we're finished. Everything is fine."

"Well that's good." Al commented.

"And as we're putting things away I start thinking 'what the Hell... was on Peanut butt?'" Jeff continued. "So I ask the guy and he's like 'well let's check, that would be a military planted explosive.' and I'm like 'ehheh, ehheh, what?' and the guy is like 'well sometimes the machine mistake lotion to be that.' and I'm like 'there's no lotion on the puppets ass.'"

The whole audience laughs. Ed almost falls out of his seat, dieing of laughter, but Al caught him just in time while laughing just as hard.

"'I've been building bombs in my garage!'" Jeff finishes his story. "'You caught me skippy, thanks for straightening me out.' I don't ever want to go throught that again. There's only a small number of these guys and I know that one of them is bound to recognize me and go like 'there he is, there's the gay puppet bomber.'" Jeff makes the audience laugh. "'He puts lotion on a puppets ass.'"

Crystal started to get all excited as she realized what was coming next. She turns to her friends.

"Alright, this is it." She tells them. "Get ready."

"Well ladies and gentlemen, I've got a few guys that I'd like to introduce you to. The first guy I've met years ago when I was still in college. He had been married for many, many years and he was just tired of being in the house and he wanted to get out more. He saw what I did on weekends and he thought it'd be fun to just get infront of people and talk. So we tried it a few times, I thought he was great, we've been a team ever since, please welcome my old friend, Walter." Jeff went to his trunk.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Walter

The audience cheer as Jeff takes a grouchy old man puppet out of his trunk and

sets him on the stool.

"That's Walter?!" Edward asks in shock.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" the puppet orders to the cheering crowd, who laughs at this.

"You happy to be here Walter?" Jeff asked the puppet.

"Overjoyed," Walter answers enthusiasticaly. "Last week I was lying on the beach

in Maly and I couldn't decide 'gee should I stay in Hawaii or go to freakin' Amestirs?'"

The audience laugh while Crystal's friends only look confuse.

"My God I could die happy now." Walter continues.

"It's a fine city," Jeff tells Walter.

"I don't give a damn." Walter answers, making the audience laugh. "DEHEHEHEH!"

"What's wrong with you?!" Jeff asks.

"I don't know, it's hot as Hell outside," Walter answers. "My skin's all dry and

itchey, you put me in a sweater. Sure as Hell ain't gonna ask you for lotion!"

The FullMetal Alchemist characters burst out laughing at this. Edward tries to

talk as he laughs.

"Alright... now... that is... funny!" He breathes.

"DEHEHEHEHEH!" Walter mocks the laughing crowd.

"You know you don't have to do this." Jeff tells Walter.

"Yeah, I can get a real job." Walter says.

"What would you do?" Jeff asks.

"I wanna be a greeter at Wal-mart." Walter answers.

The audience laughs and Walter looks confused.

"What the Hell's so funny?" He asks the crowd.

"At Wal-mart what would be your opening line?" Jeff asks the puppet.

"Oh, 'Welcome to Wal-mart, get your shit and get out!'" Walter says his opening

line, making the audience laugh. " 'Have a nice day.' "

"Anything else wrong?" Jeff asks.

"I dunno, my wife and I couldn't find anywhere to park in this stinkin' joint."

Walter explains. "Some jerk driving a Bersades came pulling in and took our spot. He gets

out of the car and there's nothing wrong with him, don't you hate that?" He asks the

crowd.

"Heh, I know I do." Riza nodded.

"So I ran his ass over." Walter finishes his story, making the audience laugh. "I

made an honest man out of him."

Edward was laughing uncontrollably and had to take a few deep breaths to control himself.

"Are you ok brother?" Al asked him.

"I'm fine Al." Ed answered.

"Then his mother got out of the other side and started swinging her crutches at me." Walter continued. "Took her out with the door."

Ed and Al were shocked at this, for they have lost their mother when they were little.

"That's terrible, even those 2 think so." Jeff points to the Elric brothers, who turn even more shocked when Jeff points them out.

"Oh Hell it ain't carpool." Walter answers after noticing the boys.

"You think the police didn't see?" Jeff scolds Walter.

"Amestirs don't have no cops, it has the State Alchemist Military. And have you seen any of these guys?" Walter asks Jeff.

"What?" Jeff asks.

"They use drawings for their alchemy." Walter answers.

"What's wrong with that?" Jeff asks.

"How intimidating is this 'Alright pull it over.' and he starts drawing in the dirt." Walter demenstrates. "And they don't have handcuffs so what do they do when they arrest them? They go like 'Alright, keep your hands behind your back or I'll blast ya' with my alchemy.'"

The audience laughs at this, even the FullMetal Alchemist characters.

"DEHEHEHEH!" Walter does his catchphrase.

"Is your wife in town?" Jeff asks.

"Oh yeah." Walter answers.

"Is she having a good time?"

"She always has a good time."

"Good." Jeff smiles.

"Pisses me off." Walter grumbles, making the whole audience laugh.

"She's a lovely lady." Jeff protests.

"She gettin' too old." Walter argues.

"Well women age like, like fine wine." Jeff comments.

Riza smiles at the comment.

"She's aging like milk." Walter makes the audience laugh.

"You guys get in another arguement this morning?" Jeff asks.

"Yeah." Walter answers.

"What happened?"

"I don't know, she rolled out of bed, jumped on her nitrocycle and ran my ass over."

The audience laughs at this.

"Never heard you put it quite that way before." Jeff laughs.

"Oh it even has a sound, it goes nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, naaaaaag, nag, naaaaaaaaaaaaaaag!" Walter makes the audience laugh.

"How long have you been married?" Jeff asks.

"Let's see uh, 46 years." Walter answers.

"What was the happiest moment of your life?"

"47 years ago."

The audience laughs. Crystal Draculura and her friends can barely control themselves with their laughter.

"How long have you been married?" Walter asks Jeff.

"Uh, 15 years." Jeff answers.

"You'll see." Walter tells him.

"See what?" Jeff asks.

"Remember when you say 'till death do us part'?"

"Yeah."

"Few years after you realize you're setting a goal." Walter makes the audience laugh.

"Walter, what is marriage to you?" Jeff asks.

"It's like drinking a slurpy." Walter answers.

"A slurpy." Jeff smiles.

"First few sips you're like 'boy this is really good, I'm glad I did this.' then you keep drinking it and it goes right to your head and you go 'OW! OW! OW! WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?! SOMEONE KILL ME PLEASE!'"

Crystal's friends laugh uncontrollably. Crystal sees that Edward might be having a good time more than the rest as he laughs while holding his stomach and kicking his legs.

"Well, it eventually stops hurting." Jeff tells the puppet.

"Yeah and then you're dumb enough to take another freaking sip!" Walter scolds. "Hate to say that it's the same."

"What?" Jeff asks.

"Being married all these years." Walter answers.

"What?"

"All these women now-adays, you can't talk to them, you can't do nothing with them."

"What do you mean?"

"I'll show ya' what I mean," Walter notices Riza and uses her as an example. "See this lovely young lady sitting in the front row? This gorgoeus young thing?"

Riza smiles at the puppet's commpliments.

"Do you see her? Do you see her?" Walter asks Jeff.

"Yeah." Jeff nods.

"Oh well."

Riza and the rest of the audience burst out laughing at this.

"The only thing you can do now is run to the end of your chain and bark." Walter tells Jeff. "Getting married is like buying a new car."

"A new car." Jeff smiles.

"You know how it looks perfect just before you take it home?" Walter asks.

"Yeah." Jeff nods.

"That's as good as it's ever gonna look." Walter makes the audience laugh. "Pretty soon it's gonna have dents and scratches, parts startin' to go bad. Then the new models come out and your like 'AW AW AAWWW! Honey, can I just sit in it?'"

"Walter, how's the lovelife?" Jeff asks.

"You mean sex?"

"Yeah."

"I'm married you moron!" Walter makes the audience laugh. "I'm too old too."

"You're not to old."

"Oh yes I am."

"Well I have grandparents that are out of their 80s and they're still having fun."

"Their 80s good God! What the Hell kind of sex is that?"

The audience laugh while Crystal and her friends, a little disgusted, nod in agreement with Walter.

"'Was it good for you?'" Walter does an old female voice. "'Uh, I can't remember.' 'We just finished it.' 'Who are you?'"

"Walter are you trying to tell me that nothing sexual is going on between you and your wife?" Jeff asks.

"It's very complicated, she complains about everything."

"Like what?"

"Eh, she says I don't make the right noises durring sex."

The FullMetal Alchemist charracters are confused and want to hear more.

"I'm sorry to hear that." Jeff appologizes.

"Wanna hear what I do?" Walter asks.

"No."

"Ok, you talked me into it."

"Now wait a minute."

"Now be careful folks, this is gonna sound a little pornagraphic. 'Get off.'"

Crystal and her friends love the joke and burst out laughing, having even more trouble controlling themselves as Walter continues.

"'I can't see the weather channel! Get the Hell off!'"

"Walter, is there any kind of foreplay between you guys?" Jeff asks.

"Foreplay? At our age? Yeah it's come down to 'hey! Wake up.'" Walter makes the audience laugh. "You know what oral sex is?"

"What?" Jeff asks.

"She screams 'screw you!' and I yell 'bite me!'"

Edward laughs so hard that his face starts to turn red and he has trouble breathing.

"Brother!" Alphonse cries out worried.

Edward regains control and clears his throat.

"I'm fine Al." He tells his worried brother.

"Are you sure?" Al asks him. "If you need it, I have your..."

"I don't need it right now Alphonse, ok." Ed denies Al's offer.

"Come on Walter, at your age how do you keep things fresh in the bedroom?" Jeff asks.

"Febreeze." Walter answers, the audience laugh at this. "I don't know. I heard coffee's good for your sexlife."

"Did it work?"

"No, it kept me awake for the whole damn thing." Walter grumbles. "I actually had to participate! Doctor said that it's bad for my heart too."

"Oh, the caffine?"

"No, seeing my wife naked."

"That's awful!" Jeff scolds.

"You've seen her too." Walter argues.

"So is coffee good for the sexlife or not?" Jeff asks.

"I don't know, but I do know that they're never gonna let us back in that starbucks again. Well we'll use the filter!" Walter makes the audience laugh.

"Walter, I bet that when you were younger you were quite the ladies man." Jeff comments.

"Oh I used to chase skirts all over the world."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, until I got to Scotland and boy was I surprised!"

"So you had women all over the place?"

"I even dated a girl in India."

"Really?"

"Lovely young lady."

"Sure."

"Wierd ass country."

"What's wrong with India?"

"I don't know, most of the ladies have a red dot on their foreheads. What the Hell is that 'You are here.'" Walter makes the audience laugh. "Maybe it lights up when the coffee is ready. Scratch it off you freaking win something."

The FullMetal Alchemist characters turn to Crystal while laughing.

"This guy's great!" Alphonse laughs.

"He's very funny." Winry nods.

"I'm sorry I ever doubted you." Edward appologized.

"Thanks for getting us tickets." The Commanders and Armstrong thank her.

"Of course." Crystal nods. "But the show isn't even over, usually he pulls out 5 puppets at each show."

"How 'bout this 'hey it looks like she's video taping me all the time!'" Walter finishes his joke.

"A few people that came in tonight had the opportunity to write down a few questions." Jeff explained.

"Yeah."

"And I pulled out a few and I think you should answer them."

"I don't give a damn." Walter notices Edward and decides to have a little fun with him. "You pal here with the red trenchcoat and blonde hair, you fill one out?"

Edward and his friends laugh at this.

"Hello! Did you fill one out?"

Roy is laughing so hard that he suddenly feels a tingling near his hips.

"Shit, I gotta use the bathroom before I piss myself." Roy laughs. "I'll be right back."

Roy gets up and leaves, Walter notices this.

"Where you going?! Sit the Hell down!" Walter orders Roy, who ignores him and leaves the theater. "You bastard this is T.V.!"

The audience laughs.

"The Hell! Think he's going to take a piss?" Walter asks Jeff. "These are expensive tickets, expensive setup and lot of production. Add it all up and he's gone for 3 minutes, he's taking a 600 dollar piss. Dumbass."

The audience laughs, but Edward laughs harder for Roy Mustang is his Commander. Ed laughs so hard that he suddenly finds himself unable to breath. He pats on his brother's arm.

"Alphonse... I can't... breath." Edward tries to speak.

"Oh no! Hold on Edward."

Al digs through their bag and pulls out an inhaler. He gives it to Edward, who takes it and starts inhaling the medicine it offers. Crystal, Winry, the Commanders and ArmStrong are shocked from this.

"Whoa, Edward!" Crystal cries out. "You have asthma?!"

"Yeah, but don't worry about it." Edward tells his friends once he can breath again. "Al always carries my inhaler around incase I need it."

"Is he coming back?!" Walter asks Riza, who nods her response. "Ok, we'll wait."

"Right." Jeff laughs.

They all wait for 34 seconds for Roy to come back. The audience laugh at Walter's serious face as he waits.

"What's that guy's first name?" Walter asks Riza.

"Roy!" Riza answers.

"Roy, dumbass." Walter mumbles, setting the audience off again. "Are there speakers up in the bathroom?"

"Yes." Jeff tells him.

"OH ROY!" Walter calls out. "WE'RE WAITING FOR YOU ROY! HARD TO GO WITH ALL THIS PRESSURE ISN'T IT ROY?! ROYYY! GET OUUUT!"

Crystal and her friends laugh uncontrollably. Edward takes a few more breaths from his inhaler as this is too much for him.

"Roy's taking a long time." Walter comments. "Could be having trouble."

Riza laughs hysterically, clapping her hands in applaud.

"What does Roy do for a living?" Walter asks Riza.

"He's a Commander." Riza answers.

"He's a Commander, what the Hell does that mean?" Walter asks confused.

"Alchemist Commander." Riza finishes.

"Alchemist Commander, the fuck is that?!" Walter makes the audience laugh again.

Suddenly, Roy comes back into the theater and sits down next to Riza again, and he can tell that everybody in the theater was talking about him.

"Welcome back dumbass!" Walter greets Roy, setting the audience off again. "Roy could you hear us in there? Roy?"

Roy is too shy to speak to Walter, not to mention that he was trying to hold in laughter.

"Somebody pull his string, he's not talkin'." Walter makes the audience laugh. "Roy could you hear us in there?"

"No, I couldn't." Roy answers.

"Oh you couldn't?" Walter repeats and Roy shakes his head. "Well, we could hear you!"

The audience laughs again. Edward's face is even redder than before and starts coughing as if he was choking. He takes a few more breaths from his inhaler.

"You didn't wash your hands." Walter finishes his joke.

"Boy, I hope my medicine doesn't run out before the show ends." Ed laughs.

"Medicine?" Roy notices the inhaler. "You have asthma?!"

"Yeah, but worry, Al always carries my inhaler around incase I need it."

"Back to you asshole." Walter talks to Edward, setting the audience off again. "I'm sorry, I'm just kidding around with you. What's your first name here in the red trenchcoat?"

"Edward." Ed answers him.

"Edward, good to see you Edward." Walter greets him. "Edward, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a State Alchemist." Ed answers.

"Great, and whose your Commander?"

"This guy right behind me." Edward points to Roy.

"Oh! The dumbass is your Commander?" Walter makes the audience laugh, Edward breaths in his inhaler. "So what is your title, Edward?"

"I'm the FullMetal Alchemist." Ed answers. "And I've been a State Alchemist since I was 12."

"Your name is FullMetal Alchemist and you've been in the military since you were 12." Walter repeats. "Got anything from that dumbass?" Walter asks Jeff, making the audience laugh again. "You know Edward, we got jokes for doctors and lawyers, even trash collectors, but the FullMetal Alchemist guy. Not in our artial of snappy comebacks."

Edward puts his head in his hands as he laughs. He looks like he might throw up from laughing so much.

"And we're not gonna bother going home and writing any because what are the fucking odds now?" Walter asks. "It was Edward, right?"

"Yes." Ed answers.

"Oh Edward, Edward and Roy, Roy and Edward. Dumbasses." Walter makes the crowd laugh.

"Would you be nice to the crowd?" Jeff scolds.

"I don't give a damn." Walter mumbles.

"Now some of the folks signed this and some of them didn't."

"I don't give a damn."

"Alright, where is Valarie... what is that?"

"I don't know, Runue, Renea. Valarie, where are you?"

A woman in the audience raises her hand.

"Ok, it says, Dear Walter how do you take off 10 years to look younger?" Jeff reads the question.

"Oh, me? That would be Toxin's Waterseal." Walter answers making the audience laugh.

"This is from Milton, it says, Dear Walter my wife sits at home all day, how can I get her to get a job?" Jeff reads another one.

"Well Milton you're going to have to die." The audience laughs. "That'll teach the bitch!"

"Where is Edward Elric?" Jeff asks.

"Right here!" Edward calls out.

"Oh Edward!" Walter cries out happily.

"Edward. You filled a question out?" Winry asked.

"Yes I did." Ed smiles.

"It says, Dear Walter you're looking kinda fustrated, when was the last time you got layed?" Jeff reads Ed's question.

"EDWARD!" Edward's friends scold him.

"Oh my God I recognize that!" Walter cries out. "That's our gay stalker!"

Edward laughs so much that he falls out of his chair and rolls around on the floor, Alphonse helped his older brother back up.

"I need an Alchemist Commander here!" Walter calls to Roy, making the audience laugh.

"This is from Steven it says, Dear Walter can you tell me of a good front colleges?" Jeff reads another question.

Walter tilts his head to Jeff, making the audience laugh at this. Jeff frowns at the puppet.

"Tony Widtier," Jeff reads another. "Oh no, Tony from Widtier California."

"Pay attention dumbass." Walter scolds Jeff.

"It says, Dear Walter time and time again I've filled this sheet 6 times and you never answered any of my questions, what gives?"

"Let's skip that one." Walter tells Jeff, making the audience laugh. Jeff pulls out another.

"This is from Chris, it's a girl Chris and it says, Dear Walter... you read this." Jeff tells Walter.

"Alright, it says, Dear Walter after 9 years my boyfriend still hasn't... popped the question." Walter is confused. "It says pooped the question!" The audience laughs. "Chris, you need to learn to spell I think. How the Hell do you poop the question? I think you should listen from the other end."

The audience laughs. Edward takes a few more breaths.

"Be careful Edward, or you will run out." Hughes warns him.

"Don't worry, I got 2 extras incase he runs out of the first one." Alphonse tells Hughes.

"Dear Walter why don't chicken breasts have nipples?" Jeff laughs while he reads another question.

"WHAT?!" Walter cries out, the audience laughs. "I guess it's because when they get cold they pop a hole through the package."

"Oh my God this is just too great!" ArmStrong laughs, wiping a tear from his eye.

"New from the Kernal, Chicken and Tits!" Walter finishes his joke.

"Dear Walter what is one of Jeff's deepest darkest secrets?" Jeff reads another.

"He has a sex pull up doll." Walter answers.

"I do not!"

"Yes he does. And the sick part is that he makes her talk and boy does she lie!"

"Dear Walter what was your favorite toy as a child?"

"Dirt." The audience laughs. "And we were happy, kids now-adays in America have too much, they got the internet they got video games and computer crap. Hell, they're even passing out condoms in high school, did you know that?" Walter asks Jeff.

"Yeah." Jeff answers.

"Good God, when I was that age we had to walk 5 miles to get a condom. Uphill, in the snow, with a boner." Walter makes the audience laugh.

"Ok, I threw this one away because I thought it was a little overlined but I think we've crossed that a couple times all ready." Jeff scolds. "You read it."

"Why?"

"I just can't."

"Alright, it says, Dear Walter why is it that I gag when I brush my tongue but not when I give my boyfriend oral sex? Well obviously your toothbrush is bigger." Walter makes the audience laugh.

"That's Walter everybody!" Jeff makes Walter bow and he puts him away while the audience cheer.

"Boy, I wonder whose he gonna pull out next." Alphonse is eager to find out.

"Folks everyonce in awhile if your in show business you feel that you need to redo things, be more creative. I felt that it's about time for me to do that so I fired my current manager and hired a new one, he's actually here for the same thing, but first he wants to come out and talk and have you guys to get to know him and get to know my audience. I think you are really going to enjoy him because very smart and very respective, please welcome my new manager, Sweet Daddy Dee." Jeff goes back stage.


End file.
